Sunday Funnies December 11

Here’s another installment in my Sunday Funnies series, so get the coffee, forget the paper and enjoy.

Those darn Labs…..always want to play fetch,

ball gagged woman with goofy labrador retriever wanting to play with red ball

not now Fido

 

but you gotta put your toys away when the in-laws come to visit, or…….

labrador retriever fetching carrying large flesh colored dildo

come on...please play fetch?

 

and sometimes her goddamn little dog hangs around no matter what,

gif pug dog sitting acting bored while man and woman fuck

deleted scene from Men In Black?...

 

I neglected to get this one up in time for Thanksgiving, so here it is late: Addams Family Thanksgiving – “…your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs…”

 

here’s another item in the “Who’s The Next Ben Franklin?” category,

gif of fleshlight grafted onto whirling fan and rotating on man's cock

what happens to the cumshot?

 

These next quotes are “allegedly” from a book entitled Disorder in the American Courts, although I can’t tell which one – and there are several on Amazon, natch – but these are supposedly gathered by the court reporters in the courtrooms… anyway, here are a few nuggets:

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Look Ma, No Hands

Well – maybe not “Ma” – maybe “honey” would be better………………but that’s the infamous phrase for doing something with no hands that would normally require hands on…

So, yeah, you know where the perverted mind of the carnality curator is going…

When we horny boys are 13-15, we spurt if a girl even smiles in our general direction. Once you become a man, and the hormones chill out a little bit, USUALLY a touch – either your own or someone else’s – is part of what turns the member into a spurter. But there are exceptions,

and here is one: the justly famous Master Hoser, Peter North, executing what pornologists believe to be a hands free hosing,

 

and here’s a gif of, yes, it looks like Peter, again, in slomo,

gif of hands free cumshot facial

What’s this? Looks like a hogtied peter – maybe the rope disqualifies this one, eh?

cock in glory hole tied with rope no hands cumshot

 

Now what about women? It’s a little harder to “show” because of the, how would you say, proof, of the ejaculation—maybe the clip of Meg Ryan in the restaurant from When Harry Met Sally? But that’s not a real orgasm, despite how great it sounds. Hum, what could prove that touchless female orgasm…..I know how about an MRI brain scan?? Nah, that’s probably ridiculous.

Well, here HLN‘s Joy Behar talks with Barbara Carrellas, who claims she can “think herself” into an orgasm without physical contact, (apologies for the advert at the beginning),

 

 

She calls this “thinking off” or an “energy orgasm” – and here is  a clip from TLC’s Strange Sex: “Thinking Off, or an Energy Orgasm is achieved without any genital stimulation. Researchers want to find out if Thinking Off is the same as a regular orgasm so they ask Barbra to “Think Off” in a scanner.” (Meaning MRI scanner – I knew it!!!) How’s THAT for romantic, ladies???

 

This is all old news to tantric sex practitioners………but that will be another post….

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Guys, If You Think Pole Dancing is Easy…

…if you think it’s just twirling around the pole and shaking some ass…have you ever tried it?

Well here’s a man, Luizo Vega, pole dancing in a short clip from Erika Lust‘s super hot new film Cabaret Desire,

(2:00)

 

We’ve seen Vega before…check the bottom of the post for more on him…

and here is one of the best female pole dancers in the world, Jenyne Butterfly, at the Miss Pole Dance SA 2010,

(6:11)

 

Next is the Australian woman, Felix Cane, that some say is the best pole dancer in the world, who won the Miss Pole Dance World 2009/2010, and who was snatched up by Cirque du Soleil to dance in its more adult production Zumanity at the New York New York casino in Las Vegas. She also teaches as a Specialty Instructor at the Las Vegas Pole Fitness Studio where Goddess Wife has taken some classes.

pole dancer Felix Cane sitting on a tv for her routine in Zumanity

image credit FelixCane.com

 

Here is a four minute clip of part of her routine from Zumanity,

 

(4:04)

 

Goddess Wife and I saw this show, and it is not to be missed. <<Time out for shameless plug>> Come to Vegas! See Zumanity! Spend money, have fun and help our economy!<<End Shameless Plug>>

 

Cane also says she…

will be doing a SOLO pole performance in the latest Cirque Du Soleil tour de force, Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour. It is no secret Cirque performers are awe inspiring and to be a part of this show is simply wonderful….

 

Back to Vega now – he claims to be the secret son of Madonna, and here he is in a trailer for the music video Justify, which was never released so far as I can find,

 

(:36)

 

and here Vega dances a sort of pas de deux with Victoria Vieyra using the pole,

(2:16)

 

Simple easy!

 

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